At the beginning of therapy, particularly when an adolescent is involved, I tell clients something that often surprises them. I let them know that if at any point they feel pushed too far, overwhelmed, or frustrated with me, they are allowed to tell me to “fuck off.”
I do not say this casually, and I am not inviting hostility. I say it because I need them to understand that this work involves facing what they avoid and changing the patterns that keep them stuck. That requires discomfort. It may bring up emotions they would rather avoid, confront patterns they have defended for years, or push against ways of thinking that have helped them cope, even if those ways are no longer serving them.
My role is not to avoid that discomfort. My role is to help people move through it in a way that leads to change. That means there will be moments where the work feels intense, and where the pressure in the room increases.
What I want to prevent is the point where that pressure turns into silence, withdrawal, or dropout. Many people, especially those who struggle with anger, shame, or fear of conflict, will not say when something feels like too much. Instead, they shut down, disengage, or leave therapy altogether.
So I make the boundary explicit. If it ever gets to the point where you feel like walking out, shutting down, or reacting in a habitual way that is part of the cycle you are trying to change, I want you to say something before that happens. You do not have to say it politely. You just have to say it.
At the same time, I am clear that my intention is not to push people to that edge. Discomfort is part of the work, but I will slow down or back off when I can tell you have reached your limit or need to set one.
In practice, people rarely get to that point. They understand what is being offered. What matters is that they know they can set a limit without damaging the relationship, and that they do not have to disappear, shut down, or explode in order to be heard.
The purpose of this is not confrontation. It is collaboration. It creates a shared understanding that boundaries are allowed, that they can be expressed directly, and that they will be respected.
